Long time no write!

Well it's been a long while since I've written/posted/documented/dribbled/offloaded! Life is busy! That's nothing new. Probably the biggest new thing for me is this feeling of not coping. Life feels so off balance. I'm on a complete roller coaster ride and I know I'm not special, many others are on this journey too. But I just am struggling. Every minute of every day, to manage my emotions. Parenting 3 young and beautifully needy children whilst finding my way through the fog of my grief is in one sense a relief as they have the ability to brighten my day, but can also floor me with behaviour (biting another child) and attitude (having to say things three times and then shouting to be attended to, and feeling like a complete ghost). My day is a roller coaster of intense love and guilt and joy and annoyance and pride and exhaustion and sadness and loss. I have this big black cloud hovering over my entire body and sometimes it's patchy cloud where the sun shines through and other times its thick and black and I can't see my wait through it. I have considered medication and counselling. Neither really float my boat. I'm hoping that what I am feeling is normal and I will work my way through it. I just don't want to waste a minute of my kids precious little lives missing the moment, feeling guilty and them not knowing the real, special, happy loving patient kind peaceful mumma I always dreamt I'd be.