Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Easter just ain't the same ...
I left the kids easter baskets back home at the Loop.
I put my order in for what choc Easter eggs we needed, but that feeling of not choosing yourself or getting to browse and find cool stuff? Never again.
I've lost my spirit for easter and all things magical and fun. I have three beautiful cherubs who so deserve more than I can give them right now.
I feel like I'm hollow inside. I'm going through the motions .::. Just. But I feel like I'm hardly connecting with anyone. A silent world within me and a hectic one around me. I zone out when people, even my kids are talking to me. I don't know where I go, but just like that, I'm back here in the now, and I just didn't hear or take on anything that was said.
And.i.feel.guilty! All the time. I feel like I'm missing out on this special time with my kids.
And I just.want.my.DAD.
I put my order in for what choc Easter eggs we needed, but that feeling of not choosing yourself or getting to browse and find cool stuff? Never again.
I've lost my spirit for easter and all things magical and fun. I have three beautiful cherubs who so deserve more than I can give them right now.
I feel like I'm hollow inside. I'm going through the motions .::. Just. But I feel like I'm hardly connecting with anyone. A silent world within me and a hectic one around me. I zone out when people, even my kids are talking to me. I don't know where I go, but just like that, I'm back here in the now, and I just didn't hear or take on anything that was said.
And.i.feel.guilty! All the time. I feel like I'm missing out on this special time with my kids.
And I just.want.my.DAD.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
As of this moment ...
:: I'm watching 'the midwives' recorded on foxtel. It's 10.12pm.
:: I've just spoken on the phone to mum for an hour. I'll be in trouble when the next bill comes in as it was to her mobile.
:: this afternoon, mums sister, my Aunty, my grandma's daughter, my cousins mother, passed away. I am shattered. Only 4 months since her diagnosis of breast cancer and secondary throughout her bones, bouts of radium and chemotherapy, she passed away surrounded by her husband, Love of his life, her children, her sister (my mum) and her mum (grandma). She fought a brave, courageous and dignified battle. I have reexperienced dads last week, days, hours, minutes, seconds, last breath, the following moments, without him in our world, as we know him. And I feel this now through the eyes of my cousins and my uncle. I wish I was closer to be near them, bake for them, give them flowers. I wish I could ease that unbearable ache and sick feeling for them. I wish this was something my precious mum didn't have to endure right now.
:: our sunflower we planted a couple of months ago FLOWERED! I told mum tonight and I said that I think that every time I see a sunflower I will think of Aunty Lynne. Grandma said that poppa always called Aunty Lynne his 'sunflower'.
:: tonight is a full moon, an easter moon. I talked with Jacob and Abby about the easter bunny and the man in the moon, we spotted them in the moon. We think they are up there wrapping the Easter eggs ready for easter morning.
It feels like a very feminine moon. Kind of important. I feel so sad yet I feel like I need to go out in the shimmer of the moon and dance. I feel like I need to soak up her energy and renew myself. I feel like this moon is significant, to Aunty Lynne and to us as a family. Sounds a bit wacky, but that's my honest feeling. Surely by now you know that I'm a bit wacky and out there!!
:: Matilda has had a rough week of sleeping, therefore so have I!
:: Abby has now night toilet trained! Yay! Not so yay for the two boxes of huggies jumbo sized nappies!
:: Jacob has become a lover for his dad! When Sam comes home, he gets the most delightful hugs, smiles and a joyous 'daddy'!
:: Sam and I have celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary this week. Sam bought me a lovely card and I made him a pavlova.
:: We bought a campervan, a Jayco Eagle Outback from a gorgeous young family that live in town. I can't wait to go camping in it!
:: heading to Kalbarri this weekend for easter with mum! Time to look after her and spoil her rotten.
:: I've just spoken on the phone to mum for an hour. I'll be in trouble when the next bill comes in as it was to her mobile.
:: this afternoon, mums sister, my Aunty, my grandma's daughter, my cousins mother, passed away. I am shattered. Only 4 months since her diagnosis of breast cancer and secondary throughout her bones, bouts of radium and chemotherapy, she passed away surrounded by her husband, Love of his life, her children, her sister (my mum) and her mum (grandma). She fought a brave, courageous and dignified battle. I have reexperienced dads last week, days, hours, minutes, seconds, last breath, the following moments, without him in our world, as we know him. And I feel this now through the eyes of my cousins and my uncle. I wish I was closer to be near them, bake for them, give them flowers. I wish I could ease that unbearable ache and sick feeling for them. I wish this was something my precious mum didn't have to endure right now.
:: our sunflower we planted a couple of months ago FLOWERED! I told mum tonight and I said that I think that every time I see a sunflower I will think of Aunty Lynne. Grandma said that poppa always called Aunty Lynne his 'sunflower'.
:: tonight is a full moon, an easter moon. I talked with Jacob and Abby about the easter bunny and the man in the moon, we spotted them in the moon. We think they are up there wrapping the Easter eggs ready for easter morning.
It feels like a very feminine moon. Kind of important. I feel so sad yet I feel like I need to go out in the shimmer of the moon and dance. I feel like I need to soak up her energy and renew myself. I feel like this moon is significant, to Aunty Lynne and to us as a family. Sounds a bit wacky, but that's my honest feeling. Surely by now you know that I'm a bit wacky and out there!!
:: Matilda has had a rough week of sleeping, therefore so have I!
:: Abby has now night toilet trained! Yay! Not so yay for the two boxes of huggies jumbo sized nappies!
:: Jacob has become a lover for his dad! When Sam comes home, he gets the most delightful hugs, smiles and a joyous 'daddy'!
:: Sam and I have celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary this week. Sam bought me a lovely card and I made him a pavlova.
:: We bought a campervan, a Jayco Eagle Outback from a gorgeous young family that live in town. I can't wait to go camping in it!
:: heading to Kalbarri this weekend for easter with mum! Time to look after her and spoil her rotten.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Love Living Seaside ::
Sitting in the lounge, listening to the ospreys screaching outside as they hunt for breakfast! Love!
Big weekend spent bogging out Abby's room. Quite a liberating thing purging and packing things away. The reason for this is the company is redoing the flooring in Abby and our room.
Now lets backtrack to December and to witching hour when I was multitasking, as we do, I put the bath on, began cooking tea, tidied up toys from the floor ready to vac and mop the floor while the kids were outside playing with sam and prepared pjs for the kids. I remember going outside and getting distracted by what the kids were doing, perhaps even joining in and playing for a minute! Walking through the house to get the mop ready I remember hearing a noise like a waterfall, looking down the hall and seeing a river! Oh.my.goodness I'd left the bath water on! a towel was being the bath mat :: OVER the drain hole! NOOOOOOO! Bad bad time of day for this to happen! And to make it worse, I'd done this 4 years earlier, 2 weeks into living here. I knew what I would find as I walked into Abby's room... Wet soggy carpet! It seeps through the joins in the tiles through the wall and runs almond the concrete and underlay and sometimes soaking through to the carpet. The worst kind. And this time, no chance of soaking it up. Add to that 35 degree days and I was envisioning mouldy carpet. So as you do, I went into salvage mode and quickly scooped up everything off the floor (there was a lot!) moved the dollhouse out (before it sucked up the water and was ruined) and all other furniture except her bed. It had even run out the door, down the hallway and into the linen cupboard! Thankfully no damage except the carpet.
So, the reason for the new flooring? Manky carpet (which they pulled up) and concrete floors for four months. And for good measure, they are taking out the Lino and reflooring out room. Nice but oh my gosh, inconvenient 3 days before we go away for easter! And considering we are likely to be moving in a couple of months, I would've been happy just for Abby's room. Our room adds an element of annoyance as its really 2 rooms, ours and Matilda's and therefore it's rebedding milly for a couple of days.
Looking forward to flash new floors and two days of noisey workers and a big mess, out of routine kids and nowhere to sleep M and J for their day naps!
Now lets backtrack to December and to witching hour when I was multitasking, as we do, I put the bath on, began cooking tea, tidied up toys from the floor ready to vac and mop the floor while the kids were outside playing with sam and prepared pjs for the kids. I remember going outside and getting distracted by what the kids were doing, perhaps even joining in and playing for a minute! Walking through the house to get the mop ready I remember hearing a noise like a waterfall, looking down the hall and seeing a river! Oh.my.goodness I'd left the bath water on! a towel was being the bath mat :: OVER the drain hole! NOOOOOOO! Bad bad time of day for this to happen! And to make it worse, I'd done this 4 years earlier, 2 weeks into living here. I knew what I would find as I walked into Abby's room... Wet soggy carpet! It seeps through the joins in the tiles through the wall and runs almond the concrete and underlay and sometimes soaking through to the carpet. The worst kind. And this time, no chance of soaking it up. Add to that 35 degree days and I was envisioning mouldy carpet. So as you do, I went into salvage mode and quickly scooped up everything off the floor (there was a lot!) moved the dollhouse out (before it sucked up the water and was ruined) and all other furniture except her bed. It had even run out the door, down the hallway and into the linen cupboard! Thankfully no damage except the carpet.
So, the reason for the new flooring? Manky carpet (which they pulled up) and concrete floors for four months. And for good measure, they are taking out the Lino and reflooring out room. Nice but oh my gosh, inconvenient 3 days before we go away for easter! And considering we are likely to be moving in a couple of months, I would've been happy just for Abby's room. Our room adds an element of annoyance as its really 2 rooms, ours and Matilda's and therefore it's rebedding milly for a couple of days.
Looking forward to flash new floors and two days of noisey workers and a big mess, out of routine kids and nowhere to sleep M and J for their day naps!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
My view
This is one of my favourite views and one I cherish each moment of. I know it doesn't last forever. But breast feeding my cherub to sleep and getting extra cuddles in, is oh so sweet!
(And all the tut-tutters about breast feeding, or the appropriate age to breast feed still, that's another post entirely!)
Sweet dreams my angel! I love you, see you in the morning!
(And all the tut-tutters about breast feeding, or the appropriate age to breast feed still, that's another post entirely!)
Sweet dreams my angel! I love you, see you in the morning!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
I'm a phone and camera memory space hoarder!
Yep! When it comes to deleting photos from my memory cards or iPhone storage, I . just . cant! So then you get that dreadful moment when you want to capture a memory and :: bugger! The memory space is full! But the thought of deleting those photos, even though I'm certain I have loaded them to my computer AND to my external hard drive, I feel panicky and sick and I can't breathe at the thought of deleting photos!
So :: the last two weeks are super light on photos. And in someways that's empowering as I don't have to worry that again I have more photos and I am not doing anything meaningful with them; and in some ways it makes me sad that there are gaps in my kids daily moments.
Please tell me I'm not so crazy as to feeling like this 'phobia!'
So :: the last two weeks are super light on photos. And in someways that's empowering as I don't have to worry that again I have more photos and I am not doing anything meaningful with them; and in some ways it makes me sad that there are gaps in my kids daily moments.
Please tell me I'm not so crazy as to feeling like this 'phobia!'
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Stills :: a weekly collection
1. Selfie! Early morning. If I don't take selfies, I'll never be in a photo with my precious kids. I wish Sam would think of capturing some moments of me with the kids, just ordinary interactions so that one day, they will see that I loved them and spent time with them.
2. Jacob asleep:: big day, love it when this happens!!!
3. Early morning teddy play.
4. Princess rapunzal and her prince superman in their tower.
5. Abby and Matilda on the lounge
6. Matilda in the bath:: I just love clean bubbas! And she has learnt to blow bubbles!!
7. Another bath one, I couldn't decide between the two. And her expression is so different in a matter of seconds!
8. Abby and jake when abs got home from school. This is one of those days when they just get along together. I love those days!!
9. Abby's flower. She used one of those watercolour dry palettes. I really like these as they only require water and one paintbrush, and no mess! Except this day as Abby had 2 of her friends over and between jake and the younger of the friends, paint water was tipping left right and centre. I was happy when 4pm rolled around and drop off happened!
10. Matilda has started to do this, just lie down randomly on the floor, I say nini but I'm not sure this is what she means?!
11. My three little beauties. I love you. My heart just nearly explodes with loving you.
12. Temperature. We've had some hot hot days! This is a little gadget dad gave me. It beeps on the hour every hour lately, not sure if Matilda got hold of it, but I like that, coz I think of him specially at that time when I hear it beep.
2. Jacob asleep:: big day, love it when this happens!!!
3. Early morning teddy play.
4. Princess rapunzal and her prince superman in their tower.
5. Abby and Matilda on the lounge
6. Matilda in the bath:: I just love clean bubbas! And she has learnt to blow bubbles!!
7. Another bath one, I couldn't decide between the two. And her expression is so different in a matter of seconds!
8. Abby and jake when abs got home from school. This is one of those days when they just get along together. I love those days!!
9. Abby's flower. She used one of those watercolour dry palettes. I really like these as they only require water and one paintbrush, and no mess! Except this day as Abby had 2 of her friends over and between jake and the younger of the friends, paint water was tipping left right and centre. I was happy when 4pm rolled around and drop off happened!
10. Matilda has started to do this, just lie down randomly on the floor, I say nini but I'm not sure this is what she means?!
11. My three little beauties. I love you. My heart just nearly explodes with loving you.
12. Temperature. We've had some hot hot days! This is a little gadget dad gave me. It beeps on the hour every hour lately, not sure if Matilda got hold of it, but I like that, coz I think of him specially at that time when I hear it beep.
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