Milly ... 1 year!!

This week Matilda turned 1!! I can't believe it!! Though in saying that, it feels like a lifetime ago, as so many life changing things have happened. It really does feel like she has been here forever.

So 3 days after her birthday and she has grown a new tooth (top left next to bunny teeth) and she took 2 steps!!!

October Round Up ...

Abby ::
• your illustrations continue to amaze me, you now include fingers and finger nails! Your most favourite thing to draw is mermaids and princesses.
• your favourite tv show is H2O, it's a show about mermaids, and I quite like watching it too!
• you now ask to watch abc3 because it has 'bigger kid show' but you also have stopped your paddies and meltdowns when play school comes on, you still sit there absorbed and I love that!
• you are happy and eager to go to school, and that makes me so happy! Not because you are at school, but that you are happy!
• your favourite friend is julietta, you guys just click. You are both strong, but you seem to bring out the best in each other. It is a friendship that I am thankful you have.
• you love your brother and sister, you are patient and kind and you use the sweetest voice with them.



Jacob ::
• cute as can be!
Absolute chatterbox full of but why and. 'How' questions ... 'How do they make the floors?' Hmmm ... 'well they chop down a tree and then cut it into pieces and make it all smooth and nice and then the workers put it on the floors in our house', 'but how do the workers ...' You get the message! Your other quirky language habit is that EVERYthing you say starts with 'so ... '. You do seem to be stuttering a lot at the moment, hopefully this is simply a phase as you tech to get the oh so much stuff to explode from your brain to your mouth!
• I walk away from social situations just bursting with pride at the way you are so friendly, kind and well, social with kids, adults and babies. You just know the right personal space to put between yourself and a baby, you just look at kids with your precious smile and expect that they are also good and kind and friendly. You talk to adults, initiating conversation with 'so the harvester collects the salt on the pond'! And mostly answer their questions.
• you still have day sleeps, thank you god!! You have woken up to the fact that when I drive around the water tower 3 times you go to sleep, so now the winner is the swing on the deck! And you transfer beautifully into bed so win!
• the poll, you have no fear in water, I think possibly, by the end of summer you'll be swimming. You stand on the edge of the toddler pool and dive or bombie, cute, but I worry about your spinal cord!
• yesterday you fell off the tramp, onto your chest and neck, I thought you had broken your neck! Seriously, it was that close, and the crack I heard, wad the ring in your dummy breaking!



Miss Matilda ::
• when you crawl, you have speed! You now stand all the time against furniture and your daddy tries to get you to stand.
• you fell off the back steps this week! Ouchy to the left side on hair.
• I think you are trying to grow your top bunny tooth.
• You are still such a happy, patient little sweet girl.
• You LOVE seagulls, pointing to the sky and saying 'bww' birdy.
• You mainly say mummmma when you ate sad, and you sing daddy's name ... Dadadda da!
• You laugh when abs or jakey move or blow raspberries or pull funny faces or use funny little voices.

More happiness!

Happiness this week has been ...

(yep, see, no ability to follow through with a daily task! Let's try a weekly roundup instead!)

} Jacob showing everyone what the turtle at the zoo looked like ... Picture a deep bend at the waste so your nose nearly hits the floor, lips kinda pursed but sticking out, neck stretched! Classic! And oh so cute!

} Milly has been a bit off this week, and I've been super busy with sam away, but oh my goodness, what a little angel. She just plods along, waits for her turn, smiles when we talk to her and is reaching out for EVERYTHING! Drinks, food, faces, hair, toys! She loves bending herself in half and eating her toes and has de el Ed an addiction for the dummy! Oh bugger, 4 months without one and I was so proud of her and myself, but a 12 hour car ride to Perth, traffic and lights in the big smoke and a 12 hour drive on my own with 3 kids under 4 broken over 2 days, meant she kinda had to get loving with something other than her mum ma's sweet cuddles :( but, the dummy makes her happy, so that makes me happy.

} sam's away on his fishing trip with his bloke family. Leaving me for a week with the kids, and this makes me happy you ask?! Yep! It's like having a holiday at home, which is something we NEVER do! And it is nice! The pressure is off! Abby goes to sleep in my bed watching tv, which means she's aleep by 7.30. Jake is not so great with bed time, the day sleeps mean he is not nearly ready to sleep until 8.30, but, with sam not here, I put him to bed, he reads for over half an hour in his bed, he's quiet and he has a peaceful time. He comes out, abs is now asleep and Milly is ready for some cuddles and a good feed and focus, but as usual, she smiles and waits. I put jakey back to bed and this usually happens 3 or4 times. I know he is ready to settle and will sleep when he doesn't kick with great gusto the blanket that I've just covered him with! So, life although busy, is peaceful, and the pressure is off us all. We love daddy, but it has been nice although I am missing my cleaning up fairy in the kitchen!

} Abby turned 5! I had a big 24 hours reminiscing on the day she was born and I celebrated internally becoming a mother, the ups the downs and the journey. I pray and strive everyday to be a better mummy for her. I am so busy these days with the 2 more demanding ones and I have always expected so much of her. I hope to take the pressure off her, I want to see her dance, giggle and dress up more.

Happiness is ... Day 1

Today, happiness is ... Sitting in the hammock on the deck, the breeze fluttering through my hair and the palm and gum trees, listening to the sounds of the birds in the distance, the shore waves on the sand, looking at the blue crystal water, sun specks sparkling, contrasting to the green of our buffalo lawn and the white sand on the track passed our house down to the beach, the kids swing, torn and tattered by the sun and salty sea air and giggles and fun by my kids and the boys who it belonged to before us. 2 little blesings sleeping, 1 at school, and dear husband not coming home for lunch, bliss! No having to race around tidying up the remnants of a fun morning! Tea sorted, beer battered fish and chips and salad. At this moment, peace, bliss, happiness.(and a tad of guilt knowing mum and dad are in Perth, in a crummy hospital, doing what has to be done, mum the steady rock caring for dad, dad in pain, unwell, tired, bur fighting for a better lifestyle than what life is right now. Fingers are crossed, prayers are strong (and more the nerdier) that the bone marrow scan comes back with good news from todays test). (attempting to participate in seven cherubs ... I've never been one to be very god at following through with what I start, here's hoping!)

Thankful!

Today it's my birthday, 1 year older definitely one year wiser!
Life is so busy, but it's what I've always wished and hoped for, a beautiful caring husband, 3 amazing little people created out of love, a dog, a home, health, lifestyle, love.
So I'm feeling thankful today...
} for my parents who created me, loved and nurtured me and still continue to love me unconditionally.
} for god, he provides that is for sure.
} for my husband, he gets up every work day and goes to work without complaint so that I can live this lifestyle, home with my kids, in this amazing place, with the security of knowing that I don't have to worry about a thing, we have a home, food, and love and the rest is a massive bonus!
} for my kids, who are my everything.
} for the place we live, it is peaceful, and amazingly beautiful, it is now a part of me and I can't imagine ever leaving here, though I know, one day we will.
} for my grandma, the most amazing lady I have ever known, her strength, wisdom, faith are astonishing and I am blessed to be her granddaughter.
} for my brothers, as screwed up and unwell at times as they seem to be, I love them and just wish for them to be living life, healthy, happy, and not consumed by addictions, pain, and depression. They make me realize how important positive, half glass full type of thinking is and how important a healthy lifestyle is and to be thankful every day for the small and big things in my life. Good and bad. So it seems, that my brothers are a massive inspiration to me!

Grateful

Today I am grateful for blue skies. There is something about my day that always goes better when the sky is blue. No matter how I'm feeling, if I see the sky is blue and feel my feet on the ground, I become calm. Life is so full of uncertainties at the moment, and by finding this calm in such an ocean of emotions, is a blessing. So blue skies, stay clear for a little bit longer, I am thankful for you, and how you sustain my steady breathing!

Life, what a mystery...

Today I feel sad, angry and frustrated.

Mostly, devastated for dad and mum, life right now is supposed to be easy, fun, exciting, with a future of a new retired life together. To see new places, meet new friends, nurture old friendships, a time for the two of them to reap the rewards of a life lived working hard and bringing up a family. It is NOT supposed to be the new reality, hospitals, chemo, sickness, away from home in a city that is not home, potentially. a. life. cut. too. Short.

I feel helpless, we are SO. Far. Away. It sucks. I just want to be there for mum and dad, I want to hug them, talk with them, I want my kids to be there to enjoy healthy precious moments, I want mum and dad to watch my kids laugh and play and that to make life more normal, more doable.

I feel alone. Sam has no concept of how I am feeling and I just can't express it. I keep perky for the kids and thank god for them. They keep me going. So does sam, it has bee amazing having him home these two weeks. We have had time to get to know life and each other as a family of 5. A new precious little angel, and time together after 7 weeks apart, and I don't think sam has ever holidayed at home, it is always with other people, family or friends, away from home and super busy. It has been nice!

And little miss Milly, I feel like you are a master plan of gods. A true little gift to really make sure I just keep breathing, and stay calm. You were conceived in an instant and I knew the moment you were there. You were earlier than we had hoped to conceive but we were never disappointed! I wanted you to stay inside me til Jan, but you so definitely had your own plans, you didn't breathe for 2 and a half minutes, but then you did, and it was JOY! You are so loved, and thankfully, you came when you did, because you had time with grandma and poppy, before we knew any of this shitty diagnosis. You were perfectly timed the whole way along. We are so blessed, and God has given us the most precious gift to keep us all on track during this time.

Our Angel Arrives!

This is a post i began a while back and didnt get to finish it. So here it is...
It's the week before Christmas and I am SO uncomfortable! I am crossing my legs, resting as much as possible with two little ones, not in our own home, at this ridiculously hectic time of the year! I do not want this baby to come before Christmas! Or actually on Christmas day!!

BUT.... This little baby has plans of it's own! Typical, and no amount of mind power and willing it to stay inside work. I have 'the show' on Thursday 22nd December when I wake up. NO! I cry. I don't want to miss out on Christmas with my other two precious little people! Friday 23rd, still going ok, I say ok but feel like the baby could just pop right out, my legs can't go together, I can't sit down. Still Christmas presents to finish off. By 5pm, I'm at the health shop getting rescue remedy and arnica and magnesium, yup, I'm now preparing to have the baby. I try reading jacob a bedtime story, nope can't sit own, especially on the floor! Jacob in bed, now for Abby, story time, ouch, I can't lie down either. Now out to the lounge, I'm still thinking that if I just lie, packed with pillows and panadol, all will be ok, I'll last til Christmas! 8.30pm, I feel a clunk/pop kind of feeling, I expect to feel a trickle or a gush, but nothing, but more regular aches. Sam and dad are out the back drinking, I grump and snap at them, I now know they had no idea that I was in labour, though I was in denial, by now, I knew I had to come to terms with the fact that this baby was well on it's way! More tears, and then a steady determination. I was having this baby by morning, I was not going to endure a long labour, or have it spread over to Christmas day. I had tea, a shower and lied on the bed while mum and sam packed my hospital bag. Contractions were irregular, in strength and time between, and were like this throughout the night. We dozed in between, sometimes 5 mins sometimes 20 mins apart. Sam kept in touch with the midwife throughout the night. There was a couple of contractions in the early hours, where I panicked, I felt that bearing down feeling, but then the next contraction would be a gentle one. By 5am, I still didn't know if it was the right time to go to hospital, but we thought we'd get out before the kids woke, save trauma ... For me and the kids. Not one contraction on the 10 min drive to the hospital, but once we hit the car park and I stood up, i had one there and then, and walking down the corridor to the midwife, and in the room (room 11). Regular more intense contractions. I was feeling bearing down urges, I never really felt that with my other two. To the labour room we go, shower is amazing, but I have to be standing and swaying and sam had to have the water spraying on my lower back. I can't sit down, the birthing ball is horrendous (whereas with Jacobs labour it was my best friend!) I'm back on the bed, it's 7.30 and the midwives are doing a handover. Sherry reckons that I'll be done by 9, I don't get my hopes up, leonies bets are for 8.25. I breathe in the gas and out with the pain. Leonie breaks my waters, ther is meconium, it smells, sam gently rubs my arm, his touch soothes me, I know and feel his strength and support. I breathe in and I breathe out. I am so completely focussed. I am having this baby. This is NOT going to drag on. This is business time. Another nurse comes in to help, she holds my leg, she was the same nurse that was with my grandma when she was on her deathbed for our wedding. This nurse is an angel, and I sense that she is with us for a reason. I push, oh god I push, I breathe and I focus, I listen to the midwife and my body. My body is doing this all by itself it knows what to do. The babies head crowns, oh. My. Goodness it burns, it burns and the burning continues for what seems like forever! The midwife says the other nurse, 'doctors wouldn't normally let a mum crown this long', the control and inner strength it took for me not to push, I cannot now fathom how I did this, and then finally she let's me push! I slightly remember a little action from the midwife and then up on my chest my baby was placed, this precious little baby whom I have fed, slept with, protected for months, here you are on my chest, and you are blue, not pink, and you smell, oh the unpleasant smell, and you just do not move or breathe. I rub you, and talk to you, but you do not respond, the helping nurse starts to rub you, and then the midwife frantically cuts our cord and takes you to the little bed thing, leaving me with cord blood all over my chest arm and neck. She's ventilating you and I tell sam to go over to where you are, as if by being there, you will know, and will breathe for yourself. But as much as I keep telling him to go to you, he continues to gravitate back to me, he cannot watch as she pumps the air into you. Still, the doctor has not arrived. Then the midwife frantically but calmly, if that is possible instructs the helping nurses to pull on the cord and for me to deliver the placenta. Which happens very easily, it just slips away with a gentle push. Another nurse, who helped nurse Jacob with his circumcision and then his pneumonia stands beside me and distracts me, she rubs my arm and asks me questions about what I dont remember. And still you are being ventilated. 3 minutes later, you take your first own breath. A sweet sweet, high pitch squeal that brings sighs of relief and tears of joy, from the nurses, the midwife and sma and I. You go pink and you keep squealing. And THEN the doctor waltzes in! She checks you, you seem to only want to turn your head to the left. It will not turn right. You were delivered with shoulder dystosia, perhaps that was the way you were twisted and pulled to get you out? You are wrapped and brought to me, my precious little angel. I am sore, so sore, I don't remember feeling so sore after Jacob. I have a small tear, an absolute miracle that I didn't tear more or need an episieotomy after abby's 3rd degree tear, many thanks to the midwife for controlling me through the phase of the great burn! She leaves it to heal by itself and waltzes out again. I feed you, you take to it perfectly, a natural breastfeeder with beautiful little lips.
So that is the beginning of your life miss Matilda, our precious little Milly. Born 24.12.11 weighing 9pm 1oz.