Stills :: a weekly collection

:: our home, front view

:: a special m + j moment!

:: j + a late afternoon searching the bush
in front of our house for rocks.
We drew circles in the sand and threw
our rocks to try to hot the bullseye! We
then sat on the deck and i wrote 'at' on
one of the rocks and initial sounds on
the other to make 'at' words ; cat, mat
etc.

:: on the boat heading home from our
brekky at Denham. This was JUST what
I needed. Replenished my soul. The
weather was amazing! The kids love
being on the boat.

:: Abby soaking in the calm net the ship
loader .

:: Jacob has become very confidant with sitting on the edge of the boat. I think it's time to look into a streamlined life jacket for him that he can wear when moving around on the boat. The only problem is it is just.so.hot!

:: Sam and I ; a selfie, look at his face! His exact words as I took the pic were 'I hate it when you take these' ...

:: sleeping beauty ; fell asleep on my arms as we swam in the shallows near the boat in Denham, it was so arm and relaxing in the water. Love the soft sand over there. She was so out of it as I climbed on the boat took her rashie and put a nappy on her she didn't even stir. She has just started to love 'Bessie' too!

:: our boat at Denham.

:: hot summer days mean the only way to
be outside is WET!! Water slide fun
wears out the wriggles and juggles that
build up from air conditioned inside
bodies! Also makes for an injury or two
As well!!

:: playgroup fun, this was a cooler day so
we could actually be outside and not
too many flies, bonus!!

:: fruit time at playgroup. This was
Matilda's first time sitting up at the fruit
table, she loved it!!

:: Matilda in the fridge, one of her fav
places to be!

:: Abby's first day of school, so happy and
excited here, quickly changed to quiet
years and a clinging koala once we were
in the classroom!!

:: photo with jakey, he so thinks he's
ready to go to school!!

:: covering school books til the early hours of the eve of first day of school! I was really happy with my efforts and the contacting part was not traumatic as I thought it would be!!! I hope Abby thinks of me
And how much I love her each time she opens these books I have covered for her.

:: miss Matilda, growing up, now becoming more independent at bedtime. I no longer feed her to sleep, I feed her and she is happy to go into her cot for a play and a sleep! My baby!!

Stills :: a weekly collection

:: our home, front view

:: a special m + j moment!

:: j + a late afternoon searching the bush
in front of our house for rocks.
We drew circles in the sand and threw
our rocks to try to hot the bullseye! We
then sat on the deck and i wrote 'at' on
one of the rocks and initial sounds on
the other to make 'at' words ; cat, mat
etc.

:: on the boat heading home from our
brekky at Denham. This was JUST what
I needed. Replenished my soul. The
weather was amazing! The kids love
being on the boat.

:: Abby soaking in the calm net the ship
loader .

:: Jacob has become very confidant with sitting on the edge of the boat. I think it's time to look into a streamlined life jacket for him that he can wear when moving around on the boat. The only problem is it is just.so.hot!

:: Sam and I ; a selfie, look at his face! His exact words as I took the pic were 'I hate it when you take these' ...

:: sleeping beauty ; fell asleep on my arms as we swam in the shallows near the boat in Denham, it was so arm and relaxing in the water. Love the soft sand over there. She was so out of it as I climbed on the boat took her rashie and put a nappy on her she didn't even stir. She has just started to love 'Bessie' too!

:: our boat at Denham.

:: hot summer days mean the only way to
be outside is WET!! Water slide fun
wears out the wriggles and juggles that
build up from air conditioned inside
bodies! Also makes for an injury or two
As well!!

:: playgroup fun, this was a cooler day so
we could actually be outside and not
too many flies, bonus!!

:: fruit time at playgroup. This was
Matilda's first time sitting up at the fruit
table, she loved it!!

:: Matilda in the fridge, one of her fav
places to be!

:: Abby's first day of school, so happy and
excited here, quickly changed to quiet
years and a clinging koala once we were
in the classroom!!

:: photo with jakey, he so thinks he's
ready to go to school!!

:: covering school books til the early hours of the eve of first day of school! I was really happy with my efforts and the contacting part was not traumatic as I thought it would be!!! I hope Abby thinks of me
And how much I love her each time she opens these books I have covered for her.

:: miss Matilda, growing up, now becoming more independent at bedtime. I no longer feed her to sleep, I feed her and she is happy to go into her cot for a play and a sleep! My baby!!

Establishing significance.

Tonight I began reading 'the reality of grief' by Doug Manning, book 2 in 'Continuing Care Series', a booklet provided to mum at appropriate stages throughout her grief journey. I'm glad she passed it onto me, and that on this day, I was open to reading it. As I read, I was surprised to feel 'normal', that how I feel, behave and am, is how others have felt and are also feeling. I'm 'normal'. Not some wacko freak, who feels anxious at the thought of meeting up with familiar people, friends. Anything out of my everyday and I panic. Any plans to be made and I can't cope and appear negative. I'm normal, other people feel disappointed with friends for the way they have reacted to my journey of loss, it's normal to get a bit angry or to feel sad, to express it and to want to shout to the world that my heart aches and feels torn and tattered, that I miss my dad immensely, and that until they too have experienced such a loss, they will never understand. I get that people just don't know how to deal with it, how to 'help'. Some people, whom I see as angels, have the ability to ask how I'm going and listen, they don't mind that I get tears, or want to say dads name. They genuinely care how I'm going, how mum is. They just seem to get it. Others completely pretend like nothing has passed, and I'm not sure what these people want from me, but I am not the same person I was before dads diagnosis let alone his passing, and therefore their approach angers me. Some ask, but try to make me feel better with some remark of, 'it'll get easier', 'as time goes on ...', I feel like shouting at them, I don't want it to get better, because if this happens, does that mean I will forget or have moved on and he really isn't a part of our lives anymore? I don't want to let him go.
So, I digress, establishing significance, in the booklet, they say you need to talk to friends, to list your losses, as sharing helps to establish the significance of what I have lost, to help understand why I feel the way I do, to realize how important he losses are.
So every now and then,(I'd love to say weekly, or regularly, but I just won't, as I just never seem to be able to follow through with any desire to continue with anything) I'm going to list a or a few losses associated with losing dad.
:: I miss his presence
:: I really miss calling him, hearing him say when he answered "whata you want?"
:: I miss hearing him call me bub.
:: I miss his presence for my kids, this in fact overwhelms me the most and I feel the loss well up inside me and dare to overflow from my eyes, my teeth, my heart. Everything hurts with this loss.
:: I can't stand the idea of a lifetime without him.
:: I have lost my backup man, he was always there behind me, ready in the wings, emotionally and physically, he would do anything for us.
:: when we were in geraldton after Christmas, the tyres on Abby's old bike were flat. There was no one to fix it. That was always a priority for dad, that the kids were happy. He would drop things to make sure things were right for his grand kids.

I could go on, but they are my losses I'm listing tonight.

1/52

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, for 2013"

Missy Moo :: you are enjoying being upright, and you have taken the exciting and brave steps of letting go and walking on your own, just a couple of relatively steady steps. My baby is growing up!
Miss Mermaid :: a quick selfie with me, you are collecting shells at Jakes Beach, with your new kalbarri shirt folded up so you can collect the prettiest of shells, carefully chosen and delicately cared for.
Lil Mate :: worn out little man!! You still need a day sleep, or else you are asleep by tea time, which can be quite nice except if we're wanting to go off and do something! School holidays can be rather wearing for you as you try to keep up with Abby! You have developed so much this holiday break, you are less reliant in me (sniff) and your imaginative play has developed amazingly, so my sweet, rest when you can, because your little body and mind are so active when you are awake.

A third of a year passes ...

I'm lying on my old bed that was mine as a child right through to when I bought my own queen size bed. I'm looking out from the window that I looked out of and dreamt about the way I thought the world should be and the way my life would be, so many times.
I never thought I'd be here, in this moment, without my dad in the world. I'm in a phase at the moment, where I can breathe, I can think of him and I don't feel sick, lost and alone. I'm not panicking so much, there's just a tiny squirm in my tummy that reminds me all is not well, all is so definitely not right and never will be again. How do I live with this feeling :: forever? Im not so grumpy about it today, I'm just a bit numb again.
Tomorrow will mark 16 weeks since you passed dad. You at still so alive in me and my memory that I find it all too surreal. I wish you were here.

Milly ... 1 year!!

This week Matilda turned 1!! I can't believe it!! Though in saying that, it feels like a lifetime ago, as so many life changing things have happened. It really does feel like she has been here forever.

So 3 days after her birthday and she has grown a new tooth (top left next to bunny teeth) and she took 2 steps!!!

October Round Up ...

Abby ::
• your illustrations continue to amaze me, you now include fingers and finger nails! Your most favourite thing to draw is mermaids and princesses.
• your favourite tv show is H2O, it's a show about mermaids, and I quite like watching it too!
• you now ask to watch abc3 because it has 'bigger kid show' but you also have stopped your paddies and meltdowns when play school comes on, you still sit there absorbed and I love that!
• you are happy and eager to go to school, and that makes me so happy! Not because you are at school, but that you are happy!
• your favourite friend is julietta, you guys just click. You are both strong, but you seem to bring out the best in each other. It is a friendship that I am thankful you have.
• you love your brother and sister, you are patient and kind and you use the sweetest voice with them.



Jacob ::
• cute as can be!
Absolute chatterbox full of but why and. 'How' questions ... 'How do they make the floors?' Hmmm ... 'well they chop down a tree and then cut it into pieces and make it all smooth and nice and then the workers put it on the floors in our house', 'but how do the workers ...' You get the message! Your other quirky language habit is that EVERYthing you say starts with 'so ... '. You do seem to be stuttering a lot at the moment, hopefully this is simply a phase as you tech to get the oh so much stuff to explode from your brain to your mouth!
• I walk away from social situations just bursting with pride at the way you are so friendly, kind and well, social with kids, adults and babies. You just know the right personal space to put between yourself and a baby, you just look at kids with your precious smile and expect that they are also good and kind and friendly. You talk to adults, initiating conversation with 'so the harvester collects the salt on the pond'! And mostly answer their questions.
• you still have day sleeps, thank you god!! You have woken up to the fact that when I drive around the water tower 3 times you go to sleep, so now the winner is the swing on the deck! And you transfer beautifully into bed so win!
• the poll, you have no fear in water, I think possibly, by the end of summer you'll be swimming. You stand on the edge of the toddler pool and dive or bombie, cute, but I worry about your spinal cord!
• yesterday you fell off the tramp, onto your chest and neck, I thought you had broken your neck! Seriously, it was that close, and the crack I heard, wad the ring in your dummy breaking!



Miss Matilda ::
• when you crawl, you have speed! You now stand all the time against furniture and your daddy tries to get you to stand.
• you fell off the back steps this week! Ouchy to the left side on hair.
• I think you are trying to grow your top bunny tooth.
• You are still such a happy, patient little sweet girl.
• You LOVE seagulls, pointing to the sky and saying 'bww' birdy.
• You mainly say mummmma when you ate sad, and you sing daddy's name ... Dadadda da!
• You laugh when abs or jakey move or blow raspberries or pull funny faces or use funny little voices.