Life lately

I just read a post by cherie at raising master max and I just had to respond, I messaged her on Facebook, which I've never done, but my god! She lived my life and read my dark parenting feelings and I knew how she felt! And this was my response :: 

Oh my gosh! I feel like you just crawled into my life, my honest thoughts that I never express, and just wish for a second I could to my husband without sounding like a whiny, ungrateful monster (which I'm not and you're not). And I have that mother you're talking about, that ideal mother, I have her, but I have to rephrase that, I had her, but two years ago, when I delivered my third precious child into the world, my most amazing dad (like yours) was diagnosed with leukaemia, and for 9 months, mum and he fought it with their whole beings, and then we lost him, to another world/time/place that I cannot comprehend, and well my mum, I sorta lost her too, coz she's a shell of the person I've always known. And she lives 4 and a half hours away, and I live in a little town of a hundred, and when life gets overwhelming, I can't even bundle my three into a car and go to ::  anywhere, a shop, a cafe, an anywhere!! And then I feel completely trapped. So cherie, I feel you, and I thank you, for being honest, coz it doesn't make us bad mums, we're just people too!! Super mums extraordinaires! We are pretty bloody amazing! Again, thank you x

Family

Today we celebrated the life of my Aunty Lynne; my mums sister. So surreal to think that in 4 months of a cancer diagnosis, battle, journey, hell; call it what you will :: breast cancer and secondary in the bones and other, we are today laying her to rest.
I have no understanding of it. It feels surreal. I wish for my mum, my grandma , my uncle and my cousins, that this was a journey they too didn't have to embark on. Life without a loved one does.not.get.easier. If anything it gets harder.