Today I feel sad, angry and frustrated.
Mostly, devastated for dad and mum, life right now is supposed to be easy, fun, exciting, with a future of a new retired life together. To see new places, meet new friends, nurture old friendships, a time for the two of them to reap the rewards of a life lived working hard and bringing up a family. It is NOT supposed to be the new reality, hospitals, chemo, sickness, away from home in a city that is not home, potentially. a. life. cut. too. Short.
I feel helpless, we are SO. Far. Away. It sucks. I just want to be there for mum and dad, I want to hug them, talk with them, I want my kids to be there to enjoy healthy precious moments, I want mum and dad to watch my kids laugh and play and that to make life more normal, more doable.
I feel alone. Sam has no concept of how I am feeling and I just can't express it. I keep perky for the kids and thank god for them. They keep me going. So does sam, it has bee amazing having him home these two weeks. We have had time to get to know life and each other as a family of 5. A new precious little angel, and time together after 7 weeks apart, and I don't think sam has ever holidayed at home, it is always with other people, family or friends, away from home and super busy. It has been nice!
And little miss Milly, I feel like you are a master plan of gods. A true little gift to really make sure I just keep breathing, and stay calm. You were conceived in an instant and I knew the moment you were there. You were earlier than we had hoped to conceive but we were never disappointed! I wanted you to stay inside me til Jan, but you so definitely had your own plans, you didn't breathe for 2 and a half minutes, but then you did, and it was JOY! You are so loved, and thankfully, you came when you did, because you had time with grandma and poppy, before we knew any of this shitty diagnosis. You were perfectly timed the whole way along. We are so blessed, and God has given us the most precious gift to keep us all on track during this time.
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Thanks for sharing in some of the moments of our life!