Nothing like an argument with Sam the night before to get me out if bed and ready to exert some pent up energy and emotion! 

I messaged simone to see if she had been for a walk, plans were made :: meet at the hut in 15! A quick dress in fitness garb, a stealth exit from the house with no one noticing me slip out of the house And a text msg to Sam to let him know where I've gone! Free :: first alone me walk in, well I reckon 3 years !!! 

I sat at the beach hut watching the north wind swept water smoosh onto the sand at high tide, watching the sunrise, picturing my dad sitting, bent with  elbows on knees beside me and standing, hands in his pockets of his country week jumper at the edge of the water. Kizi, sniffing freely around. Simone arrived with a yap from poppy and off we go, me wondering if I'm slowing her long leg strides down. 

We walked to the point, up the sandy track to the 'caravan park', up to the water tower and home. 

Then I devoured yesterday's pear cake for brekky amongst whinges, whines, moans and tears from unsettled and worn out kids. And it's only 8.20! 

A walk to auskick with jake and Matilda. (Sam and Abby left a but earlier while I cut fruit and packed snacks.). 

Kids settled and a really nice day so far!

I think I'll do the walk again tomorrow. That was life giving!

Life lately

I just read a post by cherie at raising master max and I just had to respond, I messaged her on Facebook, which I've never done, but my god! She lived my life and read my dark parenting feelings and I knew how she felt! And this was my response :: 

Oh my gosh! I feel like you just crawled into my life, my honest thoughts that I never express, and just wish for a second I could to my husband without sounding like a whiny, ungrateful monster (which I'm not and you're not). And I have that mother you're talking about, that ideal mother, I have her, but I have to rephrase that, I had her, but two years ago, when I delivered my third precious child into the world, my most amazing dad (like yours) was diagnosed with leukaemia, and for 9 months, mum and he fought it with their whole beings, and then we lost him, to another world/time/place that I cannot comprehend, and well my mum, I sorta lost her too, coz she's a shell of the person I've always known. And she lives 4 and a half hours away, and I live in a little town of a hundred, and when life gets overwhelming, I can't even bundle my three into a car and go to ::  anywhere, a shop, a cafe, an anywhere!! And then I feel completely trapped. So cherie, I feel you, and I thank you, for being honest, coz it doesn't make us bad mums, we're just people too!! Super mums extraordinaires! We are pretty bloody amazing! Again, thank you x

Long time no write!

Well it's been a long while since I've written/posted/documented/dribbled/offloaded! Life is busy! That's nothing new. Probably the biggest new thing for me is this feeling of not coping. Life feels so off balance. I'm on a complete roller coaster ride and I know I'm not special, many others are on this journey too. But I just am struggling. Every minute of every day, to manage my emotions. Parenting 3 young and beautifully needy children whilst finding my way through the fog of my grief is in one sense a relief as they have the ability to brighten my day, but can also floor me with behaviour (biting another child) and attitude (having to say things three times and then shouting to be attended to, and feeling like a complete ghost). My day is a roller coaster of intense love and guilt and joy and annoyance and pride and exhaustion and sadness and loss. I have this big black cloud hovering over my entire body and sometimes it's patchy cloud where the sun shines through and other times its thick and black and I can't see my wait through it. I have considered medication and counselling. Neither really float my boat. I'm hoping that what I am feeling is normal and I will work my way through it. I just don't want to waste a minute of my kids precious little lives missing the moment, feeling guilty and them not knowing the real, special, happy loving patient kind peaceful mumma I always dreamt I'd be. 

5 year olds!

I'm doing the dishes and miss 5 comes in and asks ::
'Mum did you have water birth for me?'(abs)
'No abs I didn't, I would've liked to but the hospital didn't have a big bath so you weren't allowed to.'(me)
'Oh, we'll that's what I'm going to have :: a water birth for my kids.' (Abs)
'Cool, well can I be there, I'll hold your hand and rub your back.' (Me)
She smiles and skips off.
Things you think of when you're five!

So Sam gets out his guitar and this is what happens ...

Love Living Seaside

Wow photo overload! Tells a story of our day out! We saw a dugong on the way out, dolphins feeding, turtles popping their heads up for a breath, and this was just on the trip up to the top of dirk Hartog island. These photos are from my iPhone, pretty sure I took more on my dslr so that will be another post.

We stopped for a fish at the top of the island. I had never been this far and we were in open water! Out of the inlet of safety and into the deep! 25m depth. We dropped a hand line each in and I landed a sized pinkie, Sam a red throat emperor. We went back to the spot ready for another drift and bang! We were on again and this time a decent size, but bugger, the sharks also thought this was a great fishing spot! You could actually see them in the murky water below, waiting for us to catch a fish and have easy pickings on the way up. I have never seen so many sharks while our! It was exhilarating but I kept a firm fistful of each child's shirts when ever they went to look over the edge at the sharks, I was on high alert! We didn't stop long, there was no point, the sharks weren't going anywhere.

We anchored in the shallows of a lovely sandy beach. There's something so special about this coastline. You could almost be the only person to ever have walked here. The kids, once creamed and rashied up were straight in the water, although the most Devine 26 degree water temp, I always enter with so much trepidation, wary of stonefish And sharks!!

We then went searching for treasures, shells, driftwood, funny seaweed, crab claws, and bits and bobs left behind from the tide off boats. There were many friendly crabs, bubbas favourite thing to chase, the sand in one spot was yellow with them, and on inspection they were nibbling on a dead sea snake.

Further along, Abs spotted a turtle in the water, it was the biggest we've seen and it was floating so close to shore. We actually thought it was dead! As you can see in the photo down there, once it drifted in close enough (Sam was wary of tiger sharks lurking to snack on it) Sam followed by Abby followed by Kizi and then Jacob ventured in the drag it on and inspect the dead turtle, as Sam reached out to touch it, she lifted her head slowly, looked at them all and turned, slowly swimming off. It was as if she (he) had gone into a deep sleep, woke and was like 'dude what are you doing there, whoa, I'm really out of it dude, later!' It was a pretty special experience for is all.

Love Living Seaside

Out on the boat at steep point + netting at Tourist Beach.